I went to the dentist first thing this morning. This is not something I enjoy now that I am in my 50's. I remember as a young person enjoying going to the dentist. It was a day I got to spend time with my mom and no one else, just me and mom! I loved that clean feeling after the nice lady cleaned my teeth. I would run my tongue over my teeth all day afterwards, now I usually leave in tears. Six months ago it was, "you need a root canal" today was, "you need a crown". Shit, once again I am leaving the dentist in tears. I miss those days when mom would take me to the dentist and then we would go somewhere for a malt. Those times spent with my mom without my brothers was very special to me.
As I was leaving the dentist office I passed a women and vaguely thought she looked familiar, I didn't think much of it because I do that all the time. Just as I was opening the door to leave I heard someone call her name, "Greta, the dentist is ready for you." I stopped dead in my tracks, THAT'S GRETA, a friend of my moms! As I turned around we looked at each other and I said Greta just as she was saying Ricky. That was about it, I was leaving and she was going in for her time with the dentist.
As I left I couldn't get Greta off my mind. I had many memories of her and her family. Up until the time my mom got sick she would give me daily, if not weekly, updates about her friends and their families. These were people we had gone to church with when I was young and my mom had stayed in touch with them until the end. I remember thinking, mom hasn't told me anything about Greta lately.
It hit me hard, mom was dead.
She had died 8 months ago and I still forget. I don't know how many times I've gone to pick up the phone to tell her hi or how many times I've thought to myself, mom will know, i'll ask her later. I didn't know how Greta's kids were, where are they, what they were doing now. Do they have kids, grand-kids, mom would have known all of that. I would have called my mom as soon as I got in the car and said,"you won't believe who i saw at the dentist today" and our conversation could have easily lasted an hour.
So today, I was reminded once again that my mom is dead and my heart breaks all over again.
I feel a bit better now after writing, but I know that the next time I remember that my mom is dead, my heart will break all over again.
~dedicated to my mom with love, I miss you so much.