Monday, June 27, 2016

Missing Mom at the Dentist

I went to the dentist first thing this morning. This is not something I enjoy now that I am in my 50's. I remember as a young person enjoying going to the dentist. It was a day I got to spend time with my mom and no one else, just me and mom!  I loved that clean feeling after the nice lady cleaned my teeth. I would run my tongue over my teeth all day afterwards, now I usually leave in tears. Six months ago it was, "you need a root canal" today was, "you need a crown". Shit, once again I am leaving the dentist in tears. I miss those days when mom would take me to the dentist and then we would go somewhere for a malt. Those times spent with my mom without my brothers was very special to me.

As I was leaving the dentist office I passed a women and vaguely thought she looked familiar, I didn't think much of it because I do that all the time. Just as I was opening the door to leave I heard someone call her name, "Greta, the dentist is ready for you." I stopped dead in my tracks, THAT'S GRETA, a friend of my moms! As I turned around we looked at each other and I said Greta just as she was saying Ricky. That was about it, I was leaving and she was going in for her time with the dentist.

As I left I couldn't get Greta off my mind. I had many memories of her and her family. Up until the time my mom got sick she would give me daily, if not weekly, updates about her friends and their families.  These were people we had gone to church with when I was young and my mom had stayed in touch with them until the end. I remember thinking, mom hasn't told me anything about Greta lately.

It hit me hard, mom was dead.

She had died 8 months ago and I still forget. I don't know how many times I've gone to pick up the phone to tell her hi or how many times I've thought to myself, mom will know, i'll ask her later. I didn't know how Greta's kids were, where are they, what they were doing now. Do they have kids, grand-kids, mom would have known all of that. I would have called my mom as soon as I got in the car and said,"you won't believe who i saw at the dentist today" and our conversation could have easily lasted an hour.

So today, I was reminded once again that my mom is dead and my heart breaks all over again.

I feel a bit better now after writing, but I know that the next time I remember that my mom is dead, my heart will break all over again.

~dedicated to my mom with love, I miss you so much.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Orlando 2016

Never, never did I imagine that a gay club in the United States would be targeted for a mass shooting. Not just a mass shooting but the largest mass shooting in history, 49 people dead and more than 50 wounded. We will never be the same LGBT community that we were before this mass murder. WE WILL OVERCOME AND WE WILL BE BETTER AND THE U.S.A. WILL BE BETTER.

I no longer go to gay clubs on a regular basis. I am married, 53 years old and my life is much different than it was in my 20's & 30's when I would go to the club every weekend (if not more) and party till the wee hours of the morning. My husband and I now frequent places like restaurants and theaters and a party to us is popcorn and a good movie at home!

I was also around when the AIDS epidemic appeared. I have been living with HIV for some 27 years and I have seen the struggle of my people and I have seen what good my people have done in this world because of AIDS. This world is better because of the AIDS crisis. Yes, I had many friends die but on the other hand, AIDS is no longer a terminal disease. My people and I have learned how to live, how to love and how to survive. I saw a comment the other day on Facebook saying something to the effect, "If you want to get something done go to the LGBT community, those queens get shit done!" and we do.

You've killed some of us and you have pissed off the wrong group. You better take your guns and hide because now that we have been attacked and killed we will longer sit around and whine about horrible gun legislation, we will get shit done! Guaranteed!!!